When a well loved person at your church actively engages in gossip and slander against others, and their relational power and influence allows them to do so with impunity, the church leadership and the congregation as a whole giving them a pass and maybe a generalized warning, if any warning at all, what happens to that church?
I’ve been in church ministry for nearly 20 years both as volunteer and paid staff, and as a spouse to the pastor. I’ve been witness to many things behind closed doors and in plain sight. I’ve also been barred from the closed door areas and sometimes rightfully so.
One of the most consistent experiences I have had in every single church I have ever been in is this: Gossip and Slander are very acceptable… depending on who is doing it.
Who gets to gossip and slander without consequences?
- Pastors (paid vocational ordained)
- Elders (unpaid, “lay” ordained)
- Ministry leaders (can be paid staff usually not ordained)
- Anyone who claims they are sharing in order to “minister” or “shepherd” better
- Women with relational / social status or influence (often widows and elderly)
In a word: Abusers. But not their victims.
The victims get hyper scrutinized and rebuked. Even when what they are doing is by definition NOT gossip (you’re not gossiping if you are telling your own story) and not slanderous (you’re not slandering if you are telling the truth).
Who gets to decide when it’s gossip and slander?
- Pastors (paid vocational ordained)
- Elders (unpaid, “lay” ordained)
- Ministry leaders (can be paid staff usually not ordained)
- Anyone who claims they are sharing in order to “minister” or “shepherd” better
- Women with relational / social status or influence (often widows and elderly)
In a word: ABUSERS.
No one wants to see a sweet little old lady as an abusive person. We don’t like it. It feels wrong and shaming. Granny is just being Granny. Right? Who wants to question Granny? Who wants to say I think that this woman is actively intentionally sinning against the church and is actually quite manipulative and controlling and in a word: abusive?
Our friend Paul did. Remember Apostle Paul and his letter to Timothy, a young pastor who was trying to build the part of the kingdom he was responsible for? Remember how Paul, an older wiser pastor, cautioned Timothy about… Widows? Wait, what?
He surely did.
“At the same time, they also learn to be idle, going from house to house; they are not only idle, but are also gossips and busybodies, saying things they shouldn’t say.” 1 Timothy 5:13 CSB
Paul was not shy when it came to calling folks out in public. I cannot help but wonder if Paul knew about specific widows in Timothy’s church. I wonder if, like in the letter to the Corinthians, when Paul totally called out a man and his stepmom in front of the entire church, Timothy knew exactly who Paul was referring to when he said that part about gossips and busybodies and if he looked right at those women, or maybe that one woman everyone knows, sitting in her pew (I know they probably didn’t have pews but bear with me here). I wonder if Timothy had a general sense of relief hearing that part of the letter, as if he thought, “Whew! Say That, Paul!” and felt a renewed sense of vigor at confronting that widow on her behaviors and attitudes, now being able to say, “Look, Paul told us to have this conversation.”
And speaking of Corinthians, what you might find interesting (I know I did) in that account of confronting the sexual immorality of that couple is this line:
“Now I am writing to you that you must not associate with anyone who claims to be a brother or sister but is sexually immoral or [are we all ready for this? pay close attention] GREEDY, an IDOLATER or SLANDERER, a DRUNKARD or SWINDLER. Do not even eat with such people.” 1 Corinthians 5:11 NIV
Whew, Say that, Paul!
Because I do love words a lot, I compared the words for slander in this verse across translations. Do you know that in several versions it says “Railer?” I liked that. It sounds so British. Some also say “reviler” or “foul tongue.” Maybe my favorite translation for this verse, from several versions including the Christian Standard Bible, says “verbally abusive!”
Because what is SLANDER if not verbal abuse (or libel if it’s written down)?
Now obviously it is not only women, and specifically women whose husbands died, who gossip and slander. What may have been the understanding of Paul’s and Timothy’s contemporaries is that people acting this way were those who were not doing the work of the Church as they should, but instead using their “free” time to go about causing division and conflict, feeding the beast of power to assuage their own discontent, their jealousies, their insecurities, and their ever gnawing doubts of importance. Maybe they resort to telling tales and spreading rumors because it makes them feel a sense of control they do not have in any other area of their lives. We know the tendencies when we confront our own idols, knowing that we will grasp at straws to feel powerful when we think we’re losing power. We’ll be alarmed with a growing sense of doom if we don’t fight and push back should anyone threaten … well, we think they are threatening our power and influence. What makes us think that? What are we really afraid of? I ask myself that question all the time. Fear is a driver. I don’t have to get in the car.
Meanwhile, back in Jesus’ day
Jesus told us about a very different widow in Luke 18. She was seeking justice against her adversary. I like to pretend that her adversary was the Gossiping Widow. I know that’s extrabiblical, but the point remains that the adversary is always the Sin in the Camp. It’s always the Wrongs that have been done. It’s always the ways in which those who should be enacting Justice tend to ignore the cries of those most impacted by the Sins buried under Church Tents. And the widow in Jesus’ story is the victim of all of that. She’s the cry of the poor, the fatherless, the oppressed, the slandered, the one abused.
What is Under Your Tent?
So what happens when the judge in the story continues to ignore her? What happens when justice is denied to those most directly affected by the Sin buried under the tent? If you don’t know the story of Achan and the Battle of Ai, you should. It’s a horrible story. I lowkey hate it. It seems harsh and unnecessary. I have struggled over it with God.
But it haunts me and I have realized this: sin will always be found out. Always.
It’s sobering and only frightening to those who refuse to confront their own souls. Is Fear driving you? Is slander the only way to get what you want? Do you even know what you want?
For those who have been most harmed by slander and verbal abuse from the Good Christians and the beloved Gossiping Widows of your churches, I see you. I believe you. Whether that person is literally a widow or just someone who has proved to be adversarial to you, I hold out the hope to you that if you keep persisting, even the worst of judges will eventually give in. Even the hardest hearts will become tired of you asking for justice. Even the coldest, most unChristlike among us will eventually see that you are in the right. I pray this moment will come for you soon. I pray that the Timothys and the Pauls will write the letters and say the things that bring us true peace and justice. Keep pushing the button.
We will overcome.
###
Asking For Me 
Leave a comment