Creating spaces

Do you remember that show Trading Spaces? It was a home makeover show where two groups went to each other’s homes and had to redesign a room for the other group. I liked the show for all the fun ideas and even the not-so-fun ideas that people had. There was an expert interior designer and a professional carpenter on each team to help make sure it all happened, but it was always more fun when the average Jane or Joe would be like, you know what professionals? This isn’t going to work for us. I’ve often wondered how many times after the show was over, the people would just re-do the whole room. Like thanks that was fun, but this is awful.

I’ve wondered about this in social groups too, how we try so hard to help make every comfortable that we end up making everyone uncomfortable and just throw out everything and start over. I think it’s, in part, what’s happening in the American Evangelical Church today and we’re seeing firsthand who has been overwhelmingly COMFORTABLE v who has been biting their tongues for a long, long, long time. I think many of us who are more empathetic overall can always sense when someone is troubled and that it hasn’t been very long that they had the thoughts they’re having, as opposed to others who seem experts at handling dissonance and conflict.

It makes me think about what makes someone an expert in conflict resolution?

I don’t think it looks like what we want it to look like. We are so desperate for Comfort, copacetic living, which is not that far from plain ole willful ignorance. Everything’s fine here. Nothing to see. It’s all been taken care of.

But Everything is not awesome. Everything is burning. People are scattering everywhere. What does it really look like to help mitigate the damage of conflict and interpersonal betrayals and trauma? Do we really know?

I’ve thought a lot about what the end results should look like and the reality is that we tend to believe we have the right result if no one is fighting. But I’ve lived too long to ignore the truth of that. Far too often is means people either just give up and walk away from each other for the rest of their lives (and sometimes that IS absolutely necessary) or everyone just gets better at pretending. Pretense is not healthy. Performative behaviors only go so far and sooner or later something is going to give. Someone is going to snap and reek havoc on the people in lives and too often the least expecting ones or the ones who seem the weakest.

In interior design, and I learned all I need to know from Trading Spaces, you have the concept of form over function or vice versa. One will win out. Either something is functional but doesn’t look as nice, or it looks amazing but you never actually use it. It makes me think of plastic covers on furniture. You put the plastic on to keep the chairs clean, but man they’re the worst to sit on.

And I think our churches suffer from plastic covers. I think we have spent decades now in pretense and performances so that when real conflict explodes on us, we’re just not ready. We’ve been faking it and not making it at all. The plastic covers are gross. Let’s get dirty and figure out how best to clean up the big messes. Far too many people create an inviting LOOKING space, but functionally, it’s so off putting. Its like having a whole room that no one ever goes in because they’re afraid of breaking something or soiling something or having their thighs stuck to the plastic chairs in summer.

At the end of Trading Spaces, everyone would come out and smile and sometimes you could tell someone was not that happy about what happened in their house. I’ve always wondered what happened after the cameras were turned off and if the crew just redid the whole room. I’m sure the contract signed for the show stipulated that they had to pretend to be happy and that they couldn’t sue any one for anything. But I wonder if the church can learn a lesson or two from creating spaces that people love and feel welcome in, where form and function meet, and though it may be hard work to get there, it will always be worth it.